We took my dad to the Hooper Center on Sunday. There were homeless junkies and crazy crackheads littered all over the waiting room trying to get in. Ladies were picking fights with each other, and others were pacing. He wasn't able to get in on Sunday, so on Monday I went to work as usual. My mom took him down to Hooper again at 7:45 for admission, and he was the third name called on the list. Despite people who have come back for the fifth time that week, he was the only one to get into the detox program that day.

My mom went to the beach right after he was admitted, so I spent 2 nights by myself. I'm seriously a wuss, listening for every little noise. The dogs kept me company, and Adam came over. My mom came home last night and I was so glad the house wasn't so empty anymore.

My dad only has a few quarters to call, and they won't let me come visit him. He just called me at work. He says they're giving him acupuncture and all kinds of drugs to help him with the withdrawal. He sounded really groggy, really sleepy and slow. I bought him some books about alcoholism before he left, and he says he's been reading those and they're good. He was unable to walk the last two days, he's been in a wheelchair. I think his alcoholic neuropathy in his legs has caused some form of muscular dystrophy. My dad says his legs are very wobbly and weak, but that could be due to the shock to his system as well.

At the intervention, the counselor said that my dad's dependence on alcohol is so extreme that he goes into withdrawal if his blood alcohol level drops below .15. He could have gotten a DUI even if he hadn't been drinking. When my dad was drunk, his blood alcohol range was anywhere from .3 to .4, enough to give someone with a lesser tolerance a coma or even kill them. I really had no idea. I mean, I knew his condition was getting severe, but shit. How do you know something like that?

I've been really struggling with this for a long time. Physically, it has beat me down; with nausea, and persistent sickness, depression, fatigue, and panic attacks if I think about it too long. I don't want anything to happen to my dad, because he tells me he doesn't want to be the way he is (was?). I've been really trying to separate myself from the situation to give myself relief, but the bottom line is that I really love my dad. While my parents divorced under the same roof, while my sister is distant from him at best and has trouble looking at him or even saying hello sometimes, I feel like I'm all he has. I'm all I have. He tells me he'll do it for me, but I don't want to listen, because this is attempt 3. I've already been hurt the first two times it was for me.

I decided that the only thing I can do is support him. I will go to meetings with him all I can when he comes home. I will hug him more. I will be around more. I've been trying to think about what I can do to make things better for myself, to give myself peace regardless of the outcome to this situation. I won't let my dad wither in vain, even if we don't make it through this, his experiences and troubles won't be wasted.

I enrolled at PCC. I'll start fall 2007 for evening and online courses for certification in drug and alcohol counseling.

I told Maria and she started crying.